The Importance of Finding (and Using) Your Voice

Why it’s so important we speak up for ourselves when we feel safe and ready. Pure class for your well-being AND your story deserves to be heard.

Hi friends :)

Starting this Substack has been slightly terrifying as using my voice is not something I’m used to doing. (Shout-out to all you absolute beauties for subscribing and being so kind & brave ugh you’re amazing). Trauma has a nasty habit of stealing our ability to speak up about our experiences, and can scare us into this awful shame-ridden silence. Especially if you’ve been treated like shite by another person. 

The aim of this week’s post is to normalise the feeling of losing our ability to speak out (through me oversharing of course), and to encourage you to rediscover your own voice safely. 

As Blocked as my exes on Insta

During my ‘must try ALL of the quick healing fixes to shift this trauma ASAP’ phase (we all know it), I went to a Reiki healer. I found it so fascinating, and was curious to get a little chakra diagnostic. After my session, the healer told me that my throat chakra was so blocked she could actually feel hands clasping over her own throat as she did her thing. The throat, she explained, was connected to how well and able you feel to speak your inner truth. I laughed. But I do that when I’m uncomfortable. 

The lovely healer lady said I needed to use my voice more, to be more vocal when I’m made to feel uncomfortable or unsafe. I could’ve cried. After about eight years of constant arguing and walking on eggshells, I’d no energy left for conflict. I’d choose the silent suffering victimhood every day.

Losing my Voice

I said I wouldn’t go into too much trauma detail but here I am on post no.2 and breaking that promise pahaha classic. Skip to the next section in case this is a bit trauma-dumpy.  

When I lived in a toxic family situation, they would stage these intervention-like meetings at the dining table every few weeks. I was riddled with shame and self-loathing as they told me every tiny detail of the things I’d done wrong. They would go through my bedroom, my phone, my bags to find ‘evidence’ of my awfulness. They’d walk me into every room of the house and point out something I’d fucked up in some way. The name-calling, blaming and ridicule could last hours - followed by about a week of the silent treatment. 

During this time, I’d like to tell you I shouted back, stood up for myself, apologised, asked for a bit of kindness… but I couldn’t talk. I was physically trapped in this silence that took over my entire body. It was like there was no air in my lungs. My tongue was paralysed. I’d never experienced anything like it before. My voice had abandoned me. 

Then, when I was in an abusive relationship, it happened again. And again. This sad, silent weeping was all I could muster. Even during acts of sexual abuse, I was frozen. My head was screaming, but it never made it to my lips. You know those nightmares you have where you can’t move? That was my reality.  

Therapy has taught me this is a very common trauma response (more on Freeze to come, I promise) but I still carry a lot of shame about it. Even today, my voice will leave me if a conversation gets tough. I have to battle to keep the syllables on my lips, and it’s exhausting. 

Shame and Secrecy

Shame and secrecy go hand in hand. They are the Patty and Selma of trauma. There’s a massive pressure on survivors to be quiet about their experiences. It’s uncomfortable for others. It’s not sexy. There’s a tonne of victim-blamers out there. Don’t even get me started on the fact our patriarchal society absolutely depends on our silence. 

SO many people are going through the same thing we did - if we’re able to share our experiences in safe spaces, imagine how powerful that would be? Look at the #MeToo movement. I wasn’t ready to share my story then, but OMG it was like a flood of sisterhood and validation and acceptance for me back then. Whenever I hear of someone experiencing a narcissistic partner, I feel seen and just wanna wrap them up with love. When someone has cut ties with a toxic caregiver, it validates my own story and decisions. We have this instant mutual understanding that nobody else gets. I no longer feel alone in my pain. I want more of that for more people.

Finding your Voice

Healing so far has been great and all, but finding my voice has been an ongoing struggle. This blog exists to help me - and hopefully others - rediscover our voices. But this wasn’t an overnight fix. I started small. I journaled.  Told one or two trusted friends. Called a helpline. Started therapy. Shared a post on Instagram about survivorship. These baby steps helped me to get behind myself, and to realise that I had so much to say. Suddenly, silence and secrecy wasn’t an option anymore. So here she is - oversharing on the internet in true Millennial fashion. It’s shit scary, but feels absolutely necessary.  

Never doubt that your story needs and deserves to be heard. See it as a way for you to start shedding the shame, regain the power that was taken from you, and for you to take control of the narrative again. Your story matters. And it doesn’t need to be a blog or a piece of writing - art in every medium can be incredibly healing.  

But remember beauts, it has GOT to be done when you’re ready and when you’re in a safe space. Start small. There’s no pressure here to share anything you’re not ready to delve into. Just know when it feels right, we’ll be here to listen and believe. So will these amazing helplines. 

Oh also if you wanna share your story or artwork on this blog, please get in touch with me on Instagram! I’m SO keen for this to be a safe place where many survivor stories are heard, not just mine. I will always pay a little something for your time and work, too. So get in my DMs yeah. I can’t wait to hear from you. 

Bye for now x

Anyways thank you for reading again. You all amaze me with your kindness and support. Genuinely so overwhelmed by the love you’re all absolute beauties. After each read, I want to encourage you to go do something nice for yourselves. Think of it as delicious homework. Go watch your favourite TV show, read a book, hug a dog, take a walk, make a cuppa, do a puzzle… Whatever you can do to get yourself feeling great. My self-care today is playing more of the remastered Tomb Raider that came out last week. RIP all my spare time. Lara owns me now. 

Thanks again appreciate you all go do your homework byyee.

Grá Mór,

Sarah x