My 2024 Healing Recap

Starting the year off strong with a not-so-humble brag. 🫶 but for the first time since I started taking my trauma seriously in 2019 - I finally feel like I’m coming home to myself.

Oh hey beauts! It’s been a while. 🫰 I’ve missed blogging so much but the weeks just flew by. It’s also been quite a heavy few months, so I didn’t leave a lot of mental space for writing. However, this has meant I feel stronger and SO excited to get this habit back in gear! And what better way to start than doing a wee 2024 Wrapped?

There are so many elements from this year that helped me heal - and I thought it might be cute to do a little recap on the things that have made a big impact. All of these have been six years in the making - no overnight fixes here sadly. But I hope some of the realisations help. Let’s get into them (and soz in advance if this post is 200 pages long - there’s a lot to unpack lads 😵‍💫).

1. I realised I will never be fully ‘healed’ ❤️‍🩹

So we all know that healing isn’t linear. There’s no HEALED destination, despite feeling like that’s what we’re striving towards. My trauma will never disappear - no matter how much work I do on myself. I have come to the realisation I will always carry my trauma with me. It’s part of my story whether I like it or not. It’s made me who I am. And honest to God that feels a bit shitty to admit. Because my trauma hasn’t made me stronger, or kinder, or more resilient. It’s not made me a better person at all - I was all of those things anyway. My trauma has just intensified everything about me - but mainly the sides of me I find harder to love. My fears, insecurities, apathy, judgements… everything is amplified now.

I will never be fully healed. I’m learning to be OK with that. I’m learning to be myself again WITH my trauma, not working on getting rid of it. It’d be like trying to take out single grains of salt once they’ve been stirred into a sugar bowl. It’s part of my makeup, so I want to work with it from now on - not in spite of it.

In 2024 I recognised I can still find joy, set boundaries, say no, be silly and look after myself whilst also recognising my traumatised self is with me. And her witnessing this radicalisation IS in its own way healing! I can still be proud and excited of how much I’m healing those parts of me AND acknowledge it’s a never ending journey with no destination. One that - when I put the work in - gets easier day by day.

2. I started working with a male counsellor 😱

Shocked?! I sure am. I made a decision at the end of my counselling level 2 course that to get over my fear of men, I had to learn to be vulnerable with a trustworthy male. I was terrified to be honest, it was so uncomfortable. Men have been such a major trigger for me, so I knew I had to tackle this head on in a safe space. And my gamble really paid off. My counsellor is a great fella. I was upfront about my feelings around men and he never hid from it - he helped me feel safe. I’m so grateful to him.

It’s also a totally different experience working with a man in counselling. He sees things through a different lens, he challenges me all the time and he’s really helped to validate my experience at the hands of other men. He never excuses shitty male behaviour. I feel completely emotionally safe with him - and it’s proved to me that is possible with the opposite sex. I can’t thank D enough for the work we’ve done together. It’s been genuinely life-changing and I’m so proud of myself for fighting through that initial discomfort.

3. I started to forgive myself fully 🫂

This was also a milestone year for me as I was finally able to accept a big truth - I was not to blame for the shit things that happened to me. Am I perf? Far from it. Did I behave in a way I’m proud of? Absolutely not. BUT that doesn’t mean I deserved the treatment I received. I found out a few things this year about some of the people that caused me the most harm and it helped me to realise - they were just passing on their own pain to me in order to try to alleviate their own suffering. Nothing I could’ve said or done differently would change their behaviours. I can finally free myself from those heavy shackles of self-hatred and shame. Those were never mine to carry.

I also - having talked with some trusted, wise and compassionate friends - discovered they consider some people in my life to show lots of narcissistic traits. This explains SO much, especially as one ex-friend/colleague’s behaviour has left me feeling so traumatised. For a long time I blamed myself, questioning my every move, my own character and self-worth to try and make sense of what happened. It’s had a lasting impact that I’m still getting over.

But now, I can forgive myself for these relationships because I recognise - it’s not my hurt to heal. And those individuals will go on hurting until they start taking accountability for their own healing. I know now I’m not inherently unlovable or undeserving of kindness just because they made me believe it. I can totally recognise that I am - if I’m not careful - a narcissist's dream. I’m naturally empathic, I have a desire to please others and to be loved and I have low self-worth and esteem. This does not make me gullible, stupid or incapable of being treated with respect. There’s a difference here - and knowing this has been very freeing.

4. Rediscovering myself 🕵️

Ok this one may sound nuts so please stay with me.

In therapy, we started to unpick my concept of self and my core beliefs for the craic. We did some compassionate exploration about who I believe I am and what I think is important. It turns out my idea of who I am has massively been shaped by my traumatised self. She is in the driving seat, and my ‘true’ self has been kicked to the curb. My traumatised self has cherry picked the bits that she believes will keep her safe and tossed the bits that seemed frivolous to her. She loves my strong feminist vibes, anti-fascist mentality and fury over injustices in Palestine because she feels safe and protected in these values. She has no time for my artistic side or love of history, adventures, museums, nature, sport, Irish culture because these don’t serve a purpose when you’re in survival mode.

However, I know deep down these things are so important to me, so I knew I had to make space for myself to lean into these values of mine. So I’ve made a promise to myself to go to art galleries more, have more adventures and be spontaneous, be joyful and silly. See my beautiful friends.. Read more and scroll less. Allow myself space to nerd out on history. Go on protests and shut down misogyny and extremists whenever possible. Rediscovering these parts of my has been like coming home, with the fire on, getting into the comfiest PJs. There’s an exhilarating, familiar comfort to it.

Trauma can strip so much of ourselves away - particularly if you’ve experienced abuse. Finding yourself again after years of survival mode is just delicious. But I might just have to do a full blog on this whole experience because it’s still an ongoing process that I’m so enjoying.

5. Finally feeling worthy of self-love 💟

I feel like such a fraud admitting this, but if I can’t be vulnerable here where can I be lol. My job is literally to preach about the importance of self-care and self-love to as many people as possible. I really thought I was class at it, but I had it all wrong.

All of my self-care was just to ensure I didn’t burn out and then couldn’t care for others. I never practised self-care because I genuinely felt I deserved it or felt worthy of it. And I’ve paid a hefty price for this. My digestive system is fecked, I’ve had hair loss, joint issues, extreme fatigue and a seriously puffy face (shexyyy). Although I’m trying to rule out anything medical with my GP, I have a gut (lol) feeling it’s my nervous system screaming for attention - and a feckin’ break.

After Christmas this year I literally had enough. I had a total crash and recognised this wasn’t OK to keep experiencing these horrible symptoms that were impacting me so heavily, so I took action. I’ve made changes to my diet and I’m working on maintaining a regulated nervous system as my number one priority. These healthy changes have stuck for the longest time, and it’s because I’m doing it for me - not for the service of others.

6. Letting ‘Old Sarah’ rest 😴

A major win in 2024 was recognising how hard my traumatised self - affectionately referred to as ‘Old Sarah’ in my sessions - was in hypervigilance mode, and how exhausting this was for me. She was constantly scanning for threats, making me snappy, insecure, frightened and honestly just pure miserable. She is terrified of men, abandonment, not being enough, speaking her truth, anger in others and so many other things.

Coming ‘home’ to myself has made me feel so much more confident and secure in myself. And it’s given ‘Old Sarah’ space to feel safe. I have her back - I’m protecting her for the first time so she’s able to stand down. She can rest, knowing she’s safe. I still need her though, I rely on her for her impeccable judgement of character and to keep me safe from genuine threats. She is such an important part of who I am, but she doesn’t need to be on constant alert anymore. I’ve taken back the driver’s seat, she’s having a snooze in the passenger seat. And I love that for her.

7. I finally found my voice 📢

This blog was sooo not planned for 2024 lol. It felt a bit like it came from nowhere, despite the countless notepads I’ve filled with ideas, drafts of posts and chapters I’d one day like to share. I never thought I’d be brave enough to go through with it - and honestly I was petrified. I had so many sleepless nights over it. It’s the most vulnerable I’ve ever allowed myself to be. Not only with the content - but also my rusty writing! If it wasn’t perfectly prosed, I wasn’t willing to share (OBVIOUSLY I got over that one because yeesh it’s rough here at times haha).

I’m so proud of this blog, and it’s been mega in my healing this year. My voice has finally been heard because I’m here - pouring it out to you lovely lot. It’s been so cathartic. I have proven to myself that I have my back; I believe myself, despite the years of doubt and self-blame. Even if zero people read it, it didn’t matter. I had done it for me.

But what’s even more amazing is the fact that so many of you felt seen and heard in my clunky, clumsy words. It made me cry so many happy tears and was so unexpected. Your bravery and kindness in sharing your own experiences with me is something I will cherish forevs, babes. You all know who ye are :)

Also if you’re looking for a sign to turn your own pain into art, Jesus wept let this be it! It’s vulnerable and scary but the real ones get it. It doesn’t need to be perfect, just needs to be real. It’s so self-validating. Best thing I’ve ever done and I’d love for you to join in this amazing experience. I believe in ya.

My 2025 Priorities

Ok I promise I’ll whisht now in a minute - Istg I don’t blog for months then I write an actual book for my first post back pahaha. So 2024 was a great year with a huge amount of growth, and I’m so proud of the progress - leaning into the discomfort and taking risks has paid off. I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions (luckily as it’s feckin Feb already), but I do have a few things I’ve promised to myself once I’m out of my winter hibernation:

1. Continue writing semi-regularly here - it helps so much and it brings me so much joy.

2. Keep practicing basic self-care now I know how much I deserve it.

3. Try my best to speak out against bullies, oppressors and shitty behaviour. This is where me and Old Sarah do our best collab work 🔥

4. Putting my own desires on the top of my to-do list. I’ve not managed this one yet as it’s so unnatural but it’s all good practice.

5. No more putting up with any form of treatment I don’t deserve - from anyone.

Ig in other words - it’s the year I put myself first. Those that matter don’t mind, those that mind don’t matter. I’m genuinely so excited for this next phase of healing, and even more excited I get to share it with you angels.

Thanks for reading again ugh you’re so cute! Do share your 2025 promises below so we can all tell you how awesome you are 🙂

See you v soon!

Grá Mór,

Sarah 💚